How to Not Work With Bullshitters.
So you’ve made a decision.
The way things are going in your life/a particular area isn’t working and you’re done going in circles and feeling stuck.
You’d like to get help in moving forward; but feel overwhelmed in where to start.
You may also feel a bit tender, vulnerable and may have a sense of urgency bordering on desperation to get some support.
I understand. I’ve been there and know the feelings well.
It’s also an exciting place to be because it means you’ve reached a point where staying where you are has become so intolerable, it is no longer an option. Congratulations! I mean that.
This is the impetus for great change and transformation if you choose to see it as such and walk through the threshold of opportunity—your portal.
The other side of this coin is that when we are very vulnerable, our judgment can get clouded and we may have more of a tendency to make emotional decisions and potentially be manipulated into signing up for help that may not truly resonate with us or be appropriate for what we need.
And nothing makes me more angry than seeing the people who are supposed to have the care of others entrusted to them take advantage of people in their states of vulnerability and suffering. Or fully capitalizing on people’s pain specifically to make a buck and a sell. I’ve seen it in the most “highly credentialed” people (seriously, fuck credentialism, look for people’s embodiment), spiritual communities, religious communities, non-profit orgs, self-development community/industry, therapists, coaches and beyond. This, in turn, is causing even more trauma and actually deterring people from getting the help they truly need and deserve. It makes me BOIL. And I will call it out all day.
So I’m here to give you some suggestions/guiding posts that can hopefully help you to sift through and weed out a bit faster, as well as encourage you to really tune in to your body/intuition.
The good thing about this era we are in is that most people have a social media, which is a great place to get a feel for someone’s energy. Utilize that resource and pay attention to how you feel and how they present themselves. If it’s a yes, connect with them and read the next bullet!
Make sure they offer the opportunity to connect with them somehow/have you ‘interview’ them to check if there is mutual alignment to work together. Key word here is mutual—it goes both ways and should not be motivated by money or desperation from either side. This can look like a scheduled phone call, zoom call, email exchange, DMs/voice notes on socials, or a welcome/intro session of some kind.
Make sure to separate what they are saying and who they are. Do they live what they teach? Do they have the result that you desire? For example, are you going to hire someone out of shape to get you in shape? Someone who is broke to give you financial advice? Qualify your source and ssk them about their own work/journey on what you are seeking support for (you don’t want a bullshitter).
Things that are big red flags:
➡️ If they are teaching you dependence on anything external to yourself (including them/’their way’)
➡️ If you feel told what to do vs empowered with authentic support and tools to help you heal/help yourself
➡️ If they wield authority or ‘expertise’ over you vs. collaboration and attuning to your pace/system
➡️ If they talk more than they listen to you and/or are a know-it-all
➡️ If you feel anxious around them vs. safe to be yourself
➡️ If you feel unseen and unheard or like you have to fight to be
➡️ If your body/nervous system cannot truly relax around them (tap into your heart and really listen to the. messages of your body)
If any of these things are evident, fire them and/or move on to continue looking. Don’t obey, bypass yourself, override your inner signals, or justify their actions.
You cannot heal without authentic safety and connection.
It is critical; otherwise it’s a waste of time, energy and money.
I know it can be deeply discouraging if you’ve had terrible, subpar, disappointing or, at worst, traumatizing experiences with “helpers” or “healers.” But please don’t let a few shit apples allow you to give up and go at it alone or give up entirely. While your healing work is yours alone to do, you are absolutely not mean to do it alone.
In the words of the late Aaliyah: ♪ Dust yourself off and try again (try again) ♪
Amazing, authentic, emotionally intelligent, heart-led people exist out there.
Ones who have been through it and have come out with more wisdom and compassion, less tolerance for bullshit, and a deep desire to help others on their journeys. I promise.
Keep going, dear one. In all ways on your journey.
And repeat after me: I will not hire or learn from bullshitters. Only the real ones who live what they teach and help me believe in me more and hear myself most. Bullshit free is the way ta be! 😎